duck diaries
02/02/02
i’m graduating soon. i let my parents back in my life recently, which i shouldn’t have. it had maybe been four or five months between talking to them and not. i think that was the happiest time of my life. i love my dad. he’d always done his best and he is such a sweet dude. one time my dad told me this story about how he met my mom, he didn’t even like her at first. she just kept talking about fighting. ooo-weee! just loud and yelling and arguing! just wanted to fight everyone, sheesh. these kinds of things happen to men, too. i love my dad. when he asked me to start talking to her for his sake and heart, i agreed. now, my mom kept going back and forth between her usual bad and her worse. both of which included her telling family members to tell me they won’t be attending my ceremony, which i definitely preferred. i try to ignore the constant phone calls and all cap text messages. my mind is spins in my studies and the $500 i make a month. i have to buy $250 worth of books next week. i work at as a secretary in the city but i don’t have time but to work three to four hours every day except most Saturdays. the owners and i worked out a deal with me. we brought in my schedule and worked out my hours. the aunt and her sister run it and they run it well. the sister looks up to me from paper. her eyebrows stressed her face sour just like the paper would do mine. two to three classes listed under every day besides friday’s one and empty weekends. it was close enough to campus i could walk there in fifteen minutes. sometimes after a shift, i would nap in the office or do work until 11:15a to get to my 11:30a on time. i once slept there overnight.
today, i slept three hours. i woke up late but by only 5 minutes. i sit in my capstone class. the room’s warmth shone through the deep orange hue. i walked to my seat, bouncy carpet under my feet. shortly after, my professor introduces a surprise guest speaker. cool. professional advice. listen up, the first words she asserts. i didn’t have mommy and daddy’s money to get me through art school. the first sentence just made it worse. an immediate disconnect. i look around to see ant who is stressed but ambitious working the same job as me, here without citizenship. spider grew up without a lot and pays for everything himself. viper, hog, paul and dog,.damn near everybody does everything on their own. the speaker went on. when i was your age, i didn’t stop. i was making books, i was doing shit late into the night. i knew there was nothing there for me, so i had to go, i had to fucking go, i had to make it, i hustled. in other words, there’s no fire under our asses. and that must be because, we have money? and we’re skating by doing the bare minimum and you did not have that luxury? i think this is how i understand your perspective on us. ah. i understand. my professor must want us very spoiled people to work harder, to be like you.
that’s always a dream they sell to us. you hear it all the time in rap music, all the time. i grinded. i don’t sleep duck. i don’t stay in one city for more than overnight but i gets money. people know my name. ayo check the fit right quick. i’m fuckin’ talented and i get to it. fuck you ducks that ain’t gettin’ to the shits, man. it ain’t nobody like me out here. then on tv in rich families, i saw the dads are always like, i worked for this, you should be grateful, when his kid messes up. maybe the mom slaps them when they get too disrespectful. my mom would've went to jail again if that were me. yep, that’s the sentiment. a lot of hip hop and rap artists work to show rest and patience. a lot of artists want to be where we are now. they look to us who don’t have what they have look at us like we have the world. i suppose everything is perspective, isn’t it? i stopped listening. i don’t remember the rest of what was said.
after this class, i’ll go back to the office and work a three-hour shift. i can do my work if it isn’t busy so that’s what i plan to do. i have to work on a presentation in another class that’s connected to my final capstone project. i’m so far into research right now. part of what i’m studying dada and surrealism. that and quantum physics’ string theory. it’s got me thinking about how rhythm and melody can translate to a visual narrative through a singular changing object. that reminds me of the body and its emotions. how all of us have an inner rhythm, patterns. how the patterns are just those patterns. observable patterns. the clouds in the sky predict the weather. that’s it, that what it’s about. this kind of work gets me through my capstone. the research makes it worth it. i have to write papers anyway.
so boom, bow, after that it’ll be time for my experimental class. another favorite. we drew with hot glass and yupo paper. this made me realize i’m interdisciplinary. maybe i can combine these three things somehow.
- duck
